Monday 8th May 2023
We’re trying to train our latest cat, Jack, to use the cat flap. It’s not going very well. We’ve done the usual me on one side, missus on the other and pushing him through. Then the other way, but he’s not getting it. We also tried to get him to watch his older brother who has always gone through very slowly, but successfully.
Jack’s method is to try and grab the cat flap with his paw, possibly to pull it open instead of pushing it open. We tell him (yeah, I know he won’t understand) that’s not going to work, and that he could get his paw stuck, but he won’t listen. After a while, I get bored and head back to the computer.
Five minutes later there’s all hell breaking loose!
The missus is screaming, shouting, crying
He’s got his paw stuck! He’s got his paw stuck! SIMON!!!! Jack’s got his paw stuck!
Jack is wailing, making blood curdling sounds the likes of which I’ve not heard before, or since.
I leg it to the back door and quickly assess the situation. Yep, paw stuck. Jack’s going ape ****.
“Watch out the way”, I tell Kirsty. My plan is straightforward. Grab his front right paw (the stuck one), yank it out of the cat flap (these things need dealing with swiftly), and try and settle everything down.
So, with my left hand, I hold the left side of Jack’s body. With my right hand I try and prise the stuck paw. Maybe two seconds have passed and Jack turns his head toward my left hand and bites down on my thumb. When I say bites down, it’s like a knife cutting through soft butter. No effort on his part.
I look at my hand, and the cat that’s now clamped himself there. The paw is still stuck, by the way.
Ok, so things haven’t gone to plan (to put it mildly). Now I start to scream
He’s bitten me! He’s bitten me! Arghhhhhhh!!!!! The little ******!
So. I yank him from the cat flap in one swift motion. Paw is now unstuck. I’m about to try and now yank Jack off my thumb next but he’s realised the situation has changed and must have let go. Runs upstairs.
Won’t Stop Bleeding
Even though we’re only maybe thirty seconds into the drama, there’s lot’s of blood all over the place. The missus gets the kitchen roll and we attempt to stop the bleeding. Shortly after, I say to her, “it won’t ******* stop bleeding!”. It just won’t. So I phone the emergency services to get some advice.
Eventually, we agree that I don’t need an ambulance, but don’t want to drive, so a taxi to the hospital it is.
At the Hospital
Get to the hospital (with the other half) and approach the A&E reception. The woman on the phone told me that they’d be expecting me. I tell them that I’ve got a cat bite and it wouldn’t stop bleeding although is does seem to be stopping now.
No word of a lie, about four other women get up from their chairs and come over to the window.
Can we have a look at the injury please?
asks the first woman. I remove the wad of kitchen tissue and show them the wound. They go “owwww”, “oh gosh!”, “ughhh”. She then says they were all a bit surprised when they heard a cat bite was coming in. I tell them I was surprised too (at getting bitten by a cat and needing the hospital)! But, the woman on the phone had recommended a hospital visit due to the bleeding, so here I was.
It’s Not Funny
About a week and a half later I’m on a job, chatting with a couple of welders I know, Dave and Andy. One of them asks “been up to anything?” Yeah, I reply. Had to go to hospital. “What for?”, he asks. Cat bite, I reply.
They both look down. Maybe they don’t know what to say. Then I see they’re both smiling. Smiling!? I remove my left glove and show them the damage. The smiles turn to tears. Ok, I made that last bit up, but they were shocked at the mess.
The Photos
The first photo was taken on the day of the incident. It doesn’t look so bad because I’d quickly taken the photo after wiping up the mess. You can see the swelling had already started after a few minutes. The kitchen sink was filled up with blood soaked kitchen roll just before I took this photo.
The second photo is a week later, after I’d removed the bandages the nurse had put on.
Lessons Learned
Obviously, in hindsight, this was possibly predictable. Maybe I should have held his head underneath the neck. I don’t know how easy that’d have been though (with one hand). Probably should have got the missus to have both hands around his neck to prevent biting while I did the paw yanking. But, that might have led to her getting bitten instead. I’m an old fashioned fella, and if someones going to get bitten, I’d rather it be me.